Date with a Ghost - PART I

Sometimes life gets in the way and sometimes you get in life’s way.

Society tells us that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I do not believe that is the correct approach but I do get the appeal. If someone new is taking up space in your mind then you won’t have time to think about the old someone. What I need right now is to stop thinking about the old someone. I need to get back out there - to the virtual space where single people like to play in our modern world. Men are not just going to come to show up at my door (thankfully, that would certainly be creepy).. 

It’s been three months since my unfortunate depressive episode kicked into full gear, which coincided with my breakup. No need to say it, of course it had something to do with it. The breakup was what did the kicking. But lately I’m doing everything the doctors tell me and I have started to have some good days. although the bad days are really bad.

I just want to find something or someone that can bring some joy into my life. But they can never know what I’m going through because the whole point is to have an escape from my reality. But most importantly, the goal is that I get well enough to be with someone.

Depression is not something you discuss on the first date, you know. It’s something that you have to disclose at the right time - before they are invested, after you know if you want to see each other again, but most importantly, only to be disclosed at the time when you are comfortable.

…

I haven’t used this dating account for over a year. I didn't need to. I had a boyfriend that supposedly loved me, but let’s face it, the jerk just lied his way into my pants and my wallet. Who never gets you a present? Who never makes plans to see you? Who doesn’t miss you enough to be able to go days without messaging you? Who cares more about their friends being close than about being close to his girlfriend when discussing the future? 

But what woman sticks around a man like that? It says more about me than it does him. So I have to stop thinking about him because the past is gone.

This time I can use the lessons I learned and find someone that I can spend time with who is equally invested. Someone who doesn’t take me for granted. Someone who shows me they are interested in me and makes an effort. However, I’m not getting a boyfriend, this will be a relaxed dating experience, for practice, and just see where life takes us because men tend to disappoint.

Within two hours I had about 70 matches and over 15 private messages to review. This is why I don’t trust these dumb apps - men just swipe without reading the profile. You have your serial daters, your nice guys, your perverts, the guys who don’t know how to talk to women, and of course a select few who actually are worth meeting.

After a couple of days, I came across the profile of this cute dude that sparked my attention. Rick. Just a few years older, seems to know what he wants, his self description is adorably funny, and I like his profile pictures. He is genuinely himself. But most importantly, he seems to like Halloween. If you know me, you know that Halloween is my favorite holiday. We like a lot of the same things but we also have some differences and I’m not sure how important those will be. I think it through for a while because I’m not sure if he is someone I would be attracted to, but I sort of want to meet him. What the hell, I think to myself, and swipe right.

I keep going through profiles for another 5 minutes then tire myself out.

…

“How’s dating going?” asks Pia. I have been so isolated that I haven’t been seeing any of my friends. The funny thing is that many of them haven’t even noticed because they don’t reach out. Pia has been checking on me nonstop and asking to see me, she’s my closest friend so I need to make time.

“I wish I didn’t have to do it,” I said with a sad smile.

“I know, babe, but that guy was not good enough for you, we could all see it,” she sighs, “but now you do too and that’s a good thing because you know what you don’t want.”

“I know, I think I always knew it. I tried so hard to be there for him and when I needed him, he said ‘his problems were bigger than mine.’ Who the hell does that!”

“I’m proud of you for trying during a time that has been so difficult for you. You’re going to meet someone who shows you that they see how great you are.”

“Thanks,” I started feeling the emotions overwhelm me. “It’s alright if I don’t, it’s just something the doctors want me to try. And I agree that human contact might help.”

“Have you been back at work?”

“I’ve just been working part time basically. I can’t focus, I’m processing information much slowly, and I just feel like I’m failing there too.”

“You have been there for years, it’s okay to need some time to yourself.”

“I just don’t feel like myself though. This isn’t me. I tried my whole life to keep my depression as managed as possible. I never thought that I could get this bad.”

“That’s why you have your friends, and your mom. Okay… you have me.”

The tears started slowly sliding down my cheek. “Okay, time to change the subject. I still can’t control the crying.” I tried to laugh.

“So, let it out.”

“Not now, we’re in public,” I had enough experience crying in public lately. Thankfully it’s New York City though, so no one looks at you twice. “Let’s go have our girls day.”

Pia led the way. I would follow her anywhere.

…

I went on the app just to see what guys were sharing - I met physicists, teachers, firefighters, ex-soccer players, an orchestra musician, tech specialists, actors, you name a profession and I met them. 

Suddenly, a message pops up, “You and Rick connected”. A faint smile came across my face. I clicked on the chat and read the first message “pleased to meet you! Pandas are pretty wonderful, can’t argue with that!” 

I laughed to myself, very cute note to take from my profile, and kudos to him for reading through. “Hi Rick, right, who doesn’t love a huge cuddly panda. So, is The Shining a favorite? I liked your costume.”

“Well, Jack Nicholson is one of my favorite actors and I needed a Halloween costume. I realize maybe I should reconsider including a photo of me holding an axe with a murderous glint in my eye on a profile for a dating app.”

“Lol. I mean I’m a horror movie fan, so I enjoyed the dedication.”

“Well then it worked, haha. What are some of your favorite horror flicks?”

“I’m always looking for something that really gets me. Not a fan of gore, more a love of any psychological thrillers with a bit of an edge. Lately, I’ve been into found footage films.”

“I don’t mind some gore, but in such an over-the-top way that it’s more fun than disturbing. But I don’t care much for anything grotesque.” 

This went on for a while until after midnight. We compared movies we prefer, the ones our friends made us watch, the ones we had heard of, the really old black and white ones, and just laughed at the creativity of humans.

…

A couple of days went by and suddenly I saw a message come in, “I mean this with all due respect… you are very beautiful!” He shared some more notes based on my profile, which is nice to know that he was still checking it out.

I responded to all his messages.

I waited for his follow up, but it never came.

I figured the updates on my profile must have scared him off or he simply met someone else he was more interested in continuing conversation with. But that’s normal for dating apps, after all that’s the whole point.

His profile also said he was open to friendship, so I didn’t disconnect from it. More friends never hurt.

…

About two weeks later, I came across this silly list of movie recommendations for the upcoming Halloween holiday. Rick instantly crossed my mind. I debated for a while, he obviously wasn’t interested in talking with me anymore but he also had not disconnected our profiles. Although guys do that, keep backups, like files on a drive. What the hell, I thought to myself, it’s just a dumb movie list, the worst that happens is he disconnects. “Hey Rick,” I wrote, “this is random but I saw this list and thought I’d share it with you.”

A short while later I received a response, “I like number 6, I’ll definitely check that one out! Thanks for the list. How have you been? And would you like to grab a coffee/drink/some lunch someday soon?”

I thought about it for a few minutes. I hope he didn’t just ask because maybe he didn’t know what else to say or thought that’s why I reached out, using the movie list as a ruse. But I need to practice dating. “Anytime, I thought you’d like the list. I’m doing alright, how about you?” I debated again, a bit terrified this time. “Sure, we can grab a coffee or something sometime.”

I put my phone down and the tears came rolling down my cheeks. I was taking a risk again. Somehow, telling a new man that I’d go out with him felt like cheating. That made me feel weird. But the tears were also because I knew it was over with my ex and moving on was something I needed to do.

“I would like that. And yeah, I’m doing alright.”

“Great. To be honest all the next three weekends are booked for me, but I can find some time, what days are good for you?”

I had weddings, birthday parties, and travel. But I think I wanted to find the time, at least for a new horror movie friend. 

…

I reached out to Pia the next day to let her know that I had said yes to someone. 

“I’m so proud of you,” she texted.

“But I’m not sure when I can see him.”

“We’re having brunch on Sunday. Ask him if he’s free. You can book over me.”

“No! I want to see you.”

“Ok, then ask him for a time either before or after you see me.”

“Before, then we can talk about how it goes! And also then I have a reason to leave if I don’t like him.”

“The silliness! Fine.” Pia sighed, but I could tell she was happy for me.

I grabbed my phone that night and wrote to him. “Hey Rick, not sure where you are in the city, but on Sunday I’ll be there to have brunch with a friend. Would you like to meet earlier to grab a coffee or something?”

“Sure! I’m not far, I can definitely meet for coffee. What time works best for you?”

“Noon?”

“Noon works. What part of the city?”

“Whichever is best for you. Is there a place you like? I’m also happy to provide recommendations.” 

“I’m always open to suggestions because I am super indecisive.” I sent over a few options, secretly hoping he would choose my favorite. That he did. “Let’s do the coffee and flower shop, it’s so cute.”

”Perfect. See you at noon.”

”Will be there!”

…

Our first date was a month to the date of when we first started talking on the app.

Out of all days my bus decided to detour. Leave it to public transportation in the city over the weekend to always delay the plans.

”I’m so sorry, I’m running late.” I messaged.

”No problem. I’ll be leaning up against a tree outside.”

I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. The detour had affected all traffic on Fifth Avenue and now it was all in front of us on Lexington Ave. I convinced the bus driver to let me out at a red light and hurried over to the meeting spot as quickly as possible. 

I had decided to wear a sporty black dress with a small black leather jacket. October weather is still pretty nice if the chill hasn’t kicked in. 

As I waited for the light to change, I saw him standing there, white pants, blue sweatshirt, red shirt, sunglasses, leaning against a tree. He was not at all who I pictured. I instantly knew I would have a nice date.

”Hey,” I said, walking up to him.

”Hey!” He said back. His smile, intoxicating. Beautiful.

”I’m so sorry.”

”It is absolutely fine. Let’s head inside.”

He went for the door and it was locked. We both lightly laughed. “Well that was embarrassing, don’t move!” He went around to the other side and opened the other door. The place was packed, but definitely the best spot for a first date. “Do you want to go upstairs and find a seat?” He asked. “What can I get you?”

“Sure, thanks. I will have a honey lavender latte with oat milk. Thanks.” I headed upstairs and was able to find a table. He texted to ask if I wanted anything with my coffee “or flowers?” I thought that was adorable. 

He made his way up the spiral staircase. I stood to help with the hot drinks. “I brought a cheesecake because I don’t know what you like.” He said.

“Actually, I tend to stay away from dairy.” We laughed again.

I had taken my stress gummies on the way over - nothing like an extra dose of GABA and L-theanine to help my brain function. Lately I took them every time I needed to be social. But they helped. Today it was crucial that I was at my best.

We talked about everything - music (he loves Jazz), books, movies. We both write, but he is finding time to dedicate to his passion. We both hold the same beliefs, except he doesn’t believe in fate and I do. We are on opposite sides of the subway series, which for anyone in the city would be a deal breaker, but for me it would not be reason enough to not like him (and trust me, I have definitely used that as an excuse to not date a man before). We even discussed the topics you are not supposed to discuss on a first date - politics and religion. Still, we stood on the same side. He used to be an elementary school teacher - the man was killing me.

Halfway through our date he said he had a strange question for me, “you can say no if you want, but would it be alright if I kissed your hand?”

I smiled coyly “sure.” He slowly picked up my left hand and placed a gentle kiss at its center, then he gently caressed the spot with his thumb. He held my hand for a moment. 

I could feel myself feeling nervous. I had to calm myself down so as not to tear up. “I love this shirt,” I said as I touched the cloth over his wrist.

”Thanks, I got this during a trip overseas.” 

We took a second and I checked my phone, “my friend is running a bit behind. Do you need to head out?” We had been there for an hour and a half.

”I have time,” he said, “plus, we have to eat this cheesecake.”

We kept talking and sharing bites of cheesecake for another hour.

“This place is great, and the drinks are good.”

“What did you order?” I asked.

”Hot chocolate.”

”I didn’t even know they had hot chocolate.”

”I don’t drink coffee.”

I laughed out loud, “why did we come to a coffee shop?”

”Because you like coffee.” Such a simple sweet answer.

”What do you like?”

”Beer.”

”We could have gotten a beer.”

”You don’t drink.”

”What are you talking about, I drink.” I responded, while secretly wondering if I had mentioned I was sober at the moment. Alcohol depresses me more so I was on a break. 

We just looked at each other and laughed. 

“Where are you headed, can I walk you somewhere?” He asked.

”I am heading to 32nd, how about you?”

“I’m headed home, so just to Grand Central.”

”Then how about I walk you?” I said.

We had that awkward after-date moment, where you don’t know what you are supposed to do. We walked side by side at a distance, laughing at how it was that Kevin could possibly get lost in the city during Home Alone 2.

“So, my best friend said I’m not supposed to ask during the first date, but I would really like to take you out again, to dinner this time.”

I instantly felt nervous, happy nervousness. He liked me, at least enough to want to see me again. “Your friend is right,” I said, “you have to wait two to three days to ask me, and then I have to pretend to think before I say yes.” I smiled. Of course the answer was yes.

We reached Grand Central and he reached in for a hug. When he did he placed the lightest kiss on my cheek. I wasn’t expecting it, so I didn’t kiss him back. I can be incredibly awkward during these situations because I don’t get the small cues.

Could this date have been any more perfect? (Side note, I totally thought that with the voice of Chandler from Friends).

I put in my headphones, it was the only way I had been able to spend moments alone in the past three months. As long as there was another voice, then it helped silence the intrusive thoughts in my head.

I reached the tea house and waited for Pia.

…

“Ready for afternoon tea?” I asked Pia, as she walked up to the restaurant. She grinned.

”How was the date?” She asked as soon as we sat down.

“He was such a surprise, we have a lot in common. He opened the doors, was all about my comfort, asked to kiss my hand,” I smiled, thinking back to that moment. “We simply had such a nice time. At least I know I did. I’m so glad I went.”

“What was that smile?” She teased. “You liked him!”

“He was cool,” I tried to hide my delight.

“Dude, since college I have always been able to tell when you like someone.”

”I did. At least as a person. If we don’t date, I would love to be his friend.”

”Or you can just try to date the man,” Pia said firmly. “Stop trying to make guys your friend. You met him on a dating app. You just went on a date. You are awesome and gorgeous, that man will be into you.”

He messaged me later that evening, “I hope you and your friend had a good time. It was so lovely to meet you.”

“It was very nice to meet you too. I had a very pleasant time and very good conversation. And the company was very enjoyable, which doesn’t hurt.” I wrote. I read it back, I’m an idiot. “Oh no, four ‘very’s in one text haha - the dictionary is failing me!”

“Haha, don’t sweat it. I had a very, very, very, very good time spent with you. (feel better?)”

“I feel much better, thank you.”

…

He finally asked me out again! Three days after our first date, right on track. A simple message was all it took to make me smile, “would you maybe like to meet up again sometime?”

“Yes, I would really like that.”

“Can we coordinate next week? I don’t mind traveling to you either.” That was nice to hear. My ex would never volunteer to come see me if it was up to him, I always had to ask. It was nice to have someone want to spend time with me. Someone who had not been tasked to watch me in order to make sure I didn’t harm myself.

I’m not very sure what is everything he’s looking for and overall I’m not sure I can provide him with what he needs. I would like the opportunity to try though. It makes me sad to think things might not go anywhere. If I’m not the right person though, I hope he finds who he needs.

…

“Hi,” he writes, days later.

“Hi,” I respond, adding a smiley face emoji.

“How was your day?” 

“It was pretty great actually. The family event I planned went better than expected. I’m just getting home. How about yours?”

“That’s amazing! Love that! Mine was just ok.”

“Why was it just ok? What do you normally enjoy doing on weekends?”

“I was supposed to go to a Halloween party, but agreed to meet another friend instead, then they cancelled, so didn’t get to do either.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok.” After a minute or so, he messages again, “also, you’re very beautiful.”

I smile to myself. “You’re very handsome yourself.”

“Haha, I’m not, but I do have a decent personality at least.”

“I’m biased because I already met you. You’re very nice and have a good personality, and those things are attractive.”

“Oh stop! I don’t like getting compliments, but I do like giving them.”

“Ok, you can compliment me.” I get a bit self conscious when I’m complimented, mostly I think because I don’t tend to see what others tell me they see. I also don’t like it when a man just tells me I’m attractive. I don’t want to just be attractive, or only be noticed by my looks.

“You are beautiful, kind, thoughtful, smart, and funny.” It was the perfect compliment, like he had read my mind. I added a little heart emoji, right atop the message.

“You know, I’m looking forward to seeing you for our dinner date.”

“Me too.”

“I also want to learn more about what you like, in general.”

“Well, I like comic books. Superhero ones, I grew up reading them. Got back into them recently because it’s nostalgic and brings me joy.”

“Good to know,” I didn’t want to seem weird for asking such simple questions. “You should know that I’m not always great at talking or expressing myself, so I like to learn things about people. Then I usually express myself through actions.”

“Thanks for telling me.”

“Anyway, I went to this conference last year and there was a really cool comic book store in the convention center. I spent a decent amount of time there and grabbed some new comic books to check out.”

“Cool. By the way, at the coffee shop, you seemed personable to me, don’t feel like you owe me any explanations for how you are. But you are fine, you didn’t come across as quiet to me.”

“Good.”

“You’re just looking for friendship right now, right?”

“I’m open to what develops. I had a bit of a rough patch some months ago after a bad breakup, but much better now. I’m open to dating for a relationship. What are you looking for?”

“Well, generally I’m looking for a relationship. My first impression after meeting you was that you were super beautiful, super smart, super likable, and super fun,” well that’s all great I thought, “... and that we probably would never work out as a relationship.” I gulped, it was like being punched in the gut. “Only because I’m so different from you,” he continued. “That being said… I just enjoyed our conversation so much that I still really want to see you again, in spite of that! Because you are a really quality person. Thoughts?”

Did I just get rejected for being a person that can be liked? So, “in spite of” not liking me for a relationship, he wants to keep seeing me. In spite of. In spite of. Those three little words rang through my head. A tear came to my eye. He didn’t like me like I had liked him. He wanted to spend time with me “in spite of” me being who I am. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I had to answer though, being an adult. “I guess, what do you think is your intention or desire then to want to see me again? Are you thinking of friendship?” I always get stuck in the friend zone. People always like me enough to have me in their lives but never as anything more than a friend.

“I mean… I am attracted to you.” Really though? I never would have gathered that from the “in spite of” comment just a second ago. “I don’t know if you are to me,” he continued, “like, I have imagined kissing you, but I don’t even know if you like me or just like me as a friend. But I am open to anything and can see a possible romantic connection between us or a friendship, depending on our compatibility level.”

People can never tell if I like them. This has always been a problem for me. “I’m curious about you,” I replied. “I’m not sure how I like you yet. But yes, I won’t deny that I also have imagined you kissing me.” These things tend to be good indicators of romantic attraction.

“Well, then, maybe for now, we don’t put too much pressure or significance on anything and just go out and have dinner together and enjoy each other’s company again? Then we can take it from there.”

“Sure,” I said, confused as to what I should have said. Was I just making the same mistake? I know at the end my ex probably didn’t like me and just waited to break up, which I will never understand because I tried to break up countless times before that. I couldn’t go through that again. “But please, don’t ever lead me on.” I said. He could not have known that I was basically begging at this point. My tears now were not just from the gut punch, but because it physically hurt me to try to put myself out there. “Like, if you realize that you actually aren’t interested in me that way, it is totally fine to let me know. I’m open to the friendship route too.”

I couldn’t control my tears now, it leads to my anxiety. I took a sleeping pill and cried myself to sleep.

The next day I could not focus enough to work, so I took the day off and hid my phone. I turned to the new bookcase and bed frame I had ordered. This should keep my mind busy. I blasted music the entire day. I literally allowed my mind nearly no space to think.

That evening I went back to the app. I saw his message from the night before “I won’t lead you on, please don’t lead me on either.” 

“Thanks,” I replied, “I definitely will not. How was your day?”

“It was okay. Yours?”

“Okay too. I spent the day building furniture.”

“Oh, like what?”

“A bookcase and a bed frame. Still need to order some other items.”

“Cool, I enjoy organizing bookcases. I find it fun. I’m such a nerd.”

“Yeah, when my head is cluttered I need to build and organize things. I’m a boring person sometimes.” I could feel myself closing up again. I didn’t know how to not seem detached in a conversation with the man I felt I kind of liked but knew he wasn’t attracted in the same way. I wanted to say so much, I wanted to share why I do the things I do. But I couldn’t do that, it’s best to stay as superficial as possible. I had opened up too much already. “Tell me something random or fun about you.” I said, trying to turn the conversation back on him.

“I’ve been pretty bummed about my team losing. But my class tonight was alright.”

“I feel bad for you, but I also know my team won, so…” I joked, “but glad the class was fun.”

“I wish I could say good luck to your team but my heart won’t let me, haha.”

“It would have been pretty awesome to watch a game and root against each other.”

“Haha, yeah, and make bets.”

“What are you up to now?”

“Just in bed.”

“What’s your bedtime?”

“Whenever I fall asleep.”

“That’s a pretty adult bedtime.”

“Aw, thanks, so rare that I get called an adult.” We were fully back to flirting mode.

“I’m pretty sure I’m only an adult when I’m at work.”

“Can I tell you how pretty you are?”

“You can, but sadly you won’t get to see me blush.”

“You’re really, really pretty. I loved your photos, but when you showed up in person, I was like… wow. Even though they are great photos, they don’t do you justice.” I don’t like being told I’m attractive by random men who haven’t met me, but since Rick had, I loved to know that he found me attractive. I’m only human.

“You are totally making me blush.”

“Oh well, haha.”

“Now, I’m thinking about you.” I wrote. Wait, I should not have written that! I quickly deleted it.

“You deleted a message? What did it say?”

“Um, it said that I was thinking about you.” I felt so silly and self-conscious just writing those words to him.

“That’s it? Why delete it?”

“I don’t really know. I wrote it, time passed, I got self-conscious. It’s one o’clock in the morning. Sometimes I write something, then re-read it, then I get in my head and think ‘what are you doing?’ But I was just thinking about you.”

“I’ve done that too, I didn’t even know you could delete messages on this app, huh, good to know!” After a few seconds a message came in, “I want to kiss you.” Then it was deleted.

“Haha, Rick, put it back!”

“I forget what I said.”

“Well, I didn’t… I hope it was a promise.” I thought about what I just said and got self-conscious again, but this time I didn’t delete it. “And I hope you will tell me again.”

“I want to kiss you.” Then it was deleted.

“Haha, why did I show you this function!”

Talking with him was exactly the pick me up I needed. 

He does like me.

…