Date with a Ghost - PART IV

When I got on the bus I couldn’t stop smiling. I’m so glad that I gave this man a chance. The tears rolled down my cheeks but I wasn’t necessarily sad, it was a great night. I couldn’t have asked for a better one. The tears were because these were now just memories, it was already the past, and I had the strongest feeling that it would not be the future - my happiest night would now just live in the labyrinth of my mind. But no matter what that was our night, a memory that was only ours, and nothing could ever change it because it was over. I had one perfect night of being the person I want to be with someone I wanted to be with at that moment. 

Okay, it’s time to relax. The bus is where I get to disengage for nearly an hour (less on a good day) and just listen to music and play games on my phone. This night I could also daydream as much as I wanted.

As soon as I opened my phone, I saw his number. Right. So I texted, “Hello, Rick.” 

“Who the heck is this?” He responds instantly.

“Haha, just some girl you made out with all night.”

“Oh right, of course. There’s a vague memory there.”

And I’m off to music until I reach my destination..

”I’m home. Thanks for a great night.”

“Have sweet dreams, princess!”

The next day, I heard from him. I was so happy that he didn’t wait to contact me.

“How was your day?” He wrote.

“Hey, it’s actually been very relaxing. Sometimes I take a sleep aid and I did last night and I slept for what felt like forever today. How was hiking with your sister?”

“It was very nice! You look great btw, I loved that outfit on you!”

“Thank you.” I would eventually learn to not feel awkward at all the compliments. I enjoy them coming from him though because I think we have connected a bit. “I was thinking about you today,” I said, unashamed.

“Oh? In what way?”

“I was remembering you kissing me after getting that strike.”

“That was a good one.”

“Haha,” I smiled to myself, recalling the feeling, “yes, a very good one.” I pulled myself together. “So what are you up to this evening?”

“Just keeping it real. How about you? What are you up to?”

“I’m just watching TV, and chatting with you. I should be editing a document but trying to only work during work hours.”

“I hear you.”

“I enjoyed spending time with you last night.” Again, unashamed of sharing my feelings, I’m going to do my best.

“Ditto!! You’re really lovely and cool.”

“Is it weird that I don’t know what to talk to you about?” I thought aloud, I probably should have kept that to myself but too late, the text was gone. ”You sort of make me nervous, in a good way, Is that too honest?”

“Hmm. Explain more?”

“I have really enjoyed our conversations during our dates, so I don’t know - now that you’re not in front of me, I’m a bit nervous about what to say.” I’m the biggest weirdo that ever existed. I swear. I need to play things cool. Now I felt I needed to bring it back and explain myself. “But it’s in a good way because I enjoy spending time with you. So it’s because I like you that I’m feeling nervous.”

“Now I am nervous, and shy and embarrassed.” He responded. 

I didn’t know how to feel about that. In a way, it made me feel that it meant that now that I was honest it made him shy because he liked me too. Or, it could be that I said too much and because he wasn’t in the same place then he felt weird. Had I put him in a weird position? What is wrong with me? Maybe I should just say goodnight and figure out a way to stop saying exactly what’s in my head. But let’s face it, I haven’t been able to fix that my whole life.

“I’m sorry!” I said, sincerely. A bit sorry for myself too because I had no idea what he meant. “Sometimes I’m overly honest.”

“Haha I’m just kidding. I just didn’t know what to say!” Okay! So maybe not a bad thing after all. “I want to take you to dinner,” he said next. 

In that moment, I felt contentment. A tear came to my eye. But at the same time, I felt terrified. He wanted to spend time with me, after we had just spent time together yesterday. He asked me. I wasn’t imposing myself onto his life. He freely wanted to spend time with me.

“I want you to take me to dinner,” I said simply.

“Good!”

“I want you to kiss me again.”

“I would like that too!” he responded. “I have a rough/busy week this week, but maybe we can set something up for the week after? Let me know which days work best for you.”

“Sounds good. Monday I’m off of work, or any other night that week really. Or that weekend.” I’m definitely making myself overly available, there’s a rule about that too I believe. Too many rules to this dating thing. Then, as always, I got in my head, and just made everything worse. “Also, I hope that me saying that didn’t make you uncomfortable. I can’t delete on here because you already read it, haha. But let me know if I ever say something that makes you uncomfortable.”

“What did you think made me uncomfortable? Also, if I say something that makes you feel uncomfortable, let me know. I’ll do the same for you! But, it honestly takes a ton to make me feel uncomfortable, haha.”

“Ok, sounds good. Just figured I should mention that. I’m trying to figure out how I am as a person when it comes to dating. At the moment, I don’t want to hold back. I want to stop feeling afraid of just being me. And I want to enjoy what I want in life.” My dumb ex came to mind, telling me that he was sharing things not because he wanted my opinion but just to agree with him, or that I needed to be more humble. I hated that I always had to hold myself back when I was with him. I could never truly be myself. I don’t want to do that anymore, I want to be authentic from the beginning. “But I also acknowledge that’s sometimes a lot for others. At least, that’s been my experience. So yeah, I tend to overthink things sometimes and I just wanted to mention in case that’s the case with you. So I don’t do it.”

“Yeah, I mean, I am asking what specifically, because there was nothing that I can even figure out what it could have been?”

“Oh, you mean? What specifically I thought could make you uncomfortable? Just me saying that I like you or that you make me nervous.” I just shouldn’t have put him on the spot and made things awkward. I just wanted to apologize.

“Oh. No.”

“I know it’s not a big thing. I just get in my head and I had some issues with my honesty being too much in the past, so I just wanted to check that I wasn’t saying something that was too much.”

“We spent most of last night making out, I would hope that you liked me!”

“Haha, true.” He had this way of just making me smile, even when I was clearly making a fool of myself.

“Honesty is always appreciated with me, so just be you. I like you for you so don’t censor yourself.” Stupid tears came rolling down my cheeks. He could never know how much that simple line meant. Someone who wasn’t trying to change me.

“Ok, thanks.”

“Just say whatever you think and whatever you feel and I can handle it.” 

“Thanks. That means a lot. I’m just a bit messed up still.” He had no idea what I meant. Why was one of my friends not here to take my phone! Literally, shovel, and the pile of dirt getting higher behind me.

“From your breakup or something else?”

“Yeah. Both things I guess.”

“What’s the other thing?”

“Just some stuff I was going through. Which is what I had to go through mostly alone. I’m good now, but it was a rough time. I’ll share that in person at some point.” I want to hide that side of me. But I also want to share it because it’s part of who I am. The one person I wouldn’t want to hide that from is a partner. That’s the person I would want to be most myself with.

“You got it.” He said, and then he opened up. “I think honesty is important which is why I brought up my current situation with my talking to/trying to work things out with my ex girlfriend.” Then he added the dreaded ‘but’ that we know is never good. “There might be a timestamp on your and my seeing each other based on how things turn out… and I wouldn’t have wanted to ask you out again, and go out with you, and make out with you without your knowing that. It would just seem like a slimy thing to do… but I am so happy that after I told you, you still wanted to meet up because I had such a fantastic time with you! You are funny, and smart, and sweet, and fun. And I felt lucky to get to be with you.”

So, I had no chance. I was just being used again. Another man who didn’t want me. Apparently I am the girl you spend time with until the one you want becomes available. I am the biggest idiot in the world. How could I have done this again! I mean, I said yes because I thought there could be an opportunity with him. The tears could not be prevented now. These were sad tears - the kind you feel when you know that you have already lost but have to finish the game, the kind you feel when you know that the reason you lost was actually your own, the kind of tears that hurt when they pour because you just realized it was never a competition. You were always second place.

“That’s very past tense,” I said after a while. “Do you know if that’s definitely where it’s headed?”

“The last line? Hmm, I meant specifically last night. Like, while I was out with you. But yes, I see in the context of the rest of the conversation how it reads! I don’t know anything for definite. I just know that we were together for 3.5 years and we are a pretty good fit except for one or two things (big things!). But I know that we are talking about working on those things.”

It’s funny how the direction of a conversation changes with just a few words. A minute ago we were talking about kissing, and how great last night was, and looking forward to our third date. That happened not even 24 hours ago. Now, we did a 180 and I know it’s over. Did I cause this by sharing stuff about myself? I instantly blame myself. But really I think it’s a good thing that I know where he stands with me. Yeah, you had 3.5 years and you are talking about working things out, but then why are you dating? 

I’m not sure when their relationship ended, but he was not over her. It was abundantly clear now. It was something I didn’t feel like prying into because it wasn’t my place. For me, I was over my ex, but I wasn’t over the trauma that his words left behind. So, I want to find someone new and try to have a relationship, but I need to be more cautious this time. And in general, I need to communicate how I feel, otherwise, I’ll just be hiding myself again.

So, I just need to see how this situation plays out. But there is no question in my mind now - I am just something to do while he waits.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I hope it works out if that’s what you want. Just remember not to lead me on. It’s one thing to spend time if you really don’t know where things are going with your ex. But if you know where things are going or where you want them to go - then that just makes me a placeholder until it’s official.” This is the one thing I despise the most in the world, never being good enough. My mother’s favorite is my brother. In school and work, no matter how well I do things people always forget me - literally, my name has been left out at awards ceremonies. My ex, well he only stayed with me because “he didn’t want to hurt me” - because, guess what, he just kept me around until he got tired. I’m sure he’s found someone better by now too. So, yeah, I told Rick, “it sucks to be a placeholder.”

”I understand.”

“Thanks. Otherwise, really, take your time figuring things out because I want you to take me out again, haha” I joked, mostly to lighten up the conversation. I knew this last night, it was obvious, but I never could have guessed that it would happen this quickly. Can the universe just not give me one single freaking second to think I have a chance at happiness? Can it just not let me have one person in the world who would want to be with me not while they hope for someone else? Rick gave me a moment and now he was ready to go back to his life - I thank him for that. I took another look at his message, objectively. “Yeah, I read it how I think you meant it now. Thanks for being honest. And I’m glad you had a nice time with me. I’m glad you didn’t limit yourself by talking with your ex and were open to exploring something that caught your attention.”

With that, the conversation ended.

With that, my heart broke all over again.

…

He followed up the next day. “How’s your day going?”

“Hey, it’s going alright, I just finished work. How’s yours? Heading to class?”

“Yep. Well, grabbing a drink at the bar next door and then heading over. The service at this bar sucks.”

“Oh that’s fun, except for the service it sounds like. You’re very good at impressions. At least you make me laugh. I liked the bar we went to. Chill vibe. Good tables. Except I should have asked you to sit next to me.”

“True! Or I should have just done that!” He said. “But there is something to be said about sitting across from someone so you can look at them.” Sometimes the words he uses remind me that he is a writer. The way he describes some things, how he expresses himself. Like now, the calculated thoughts of sitting across someone to be able to look at them. Just the sentence brought me back to that moment. The peaceful staring, two lost people who found each other interesting, both imagining something about the other. Both imagining realities that would never exist.

“That’s very true.” I said. “Plus, I liked you leaning over. Now I miss your kiss, haha. I’m not as sweet as I seem, Rick.”

…

The next night we connected again.

“Are you awake?” I asked.

“Yes. So, tell me something about you that is not sweet.”

”Haha,” I laughed. We chatted a bit but it was late. “I should go to sleep. Tell me something sweet?”

“You are very beautiful and I really enjoy kissing you and holding your hand and I would like to do so again.” So simple, but something I looked forward to. Even if I knew those moments would not be real, I wanted them to happen. I wanted to be able to have those memories.

“You better!” I replied.

…

Silence. I didn’t hear from him for a few days again. He ignored all my messages. To me, things were obvious. People always hide things as if the other person doesn’t notice. I find it funny. People are terrified of honesty.

…

One morning I woke up and had this gut feeling. It was definitely over and he just didn’t want to tell me. Would he just disappear? I don’t know him well enough to know what he would do, but I needed closure. I had stupidly started to care about this stranger, but the depression would make me feel worse if he just disappeared and I had no answers. The unknowns are too stressful for me - they ruminate. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of ending it myself. 

Dealing with people is all about psychology, they just need a little push. In this case, Rick hated feeling guilty or like he was doing something bad toward someone. So, all I needed to do was play to that and it would push him over the edge. I don’t think it’s manipulative, I think it’s just strategic. But I just wanted it to hit him and just have him get it over with. 

It couldn’t have been easier.

I made a video so that he could see my face (make him feel extra badly) and just said how well I hoped his weekend had gone and that I was looking forward to seeing him. That last part was crucial because he needed to respond to the next steps about that, in this case, letting me know that he would not be seeing me.

A few hours later, it was done.

“Hey, hope the rest of your weekend went well and that you were able to rest. You look beautiful (as always). Sorry for not being ultra responsive. I’ve been thinking a lot about you (and a lot, in general). I’ve been thinking about what you said about not wanting to be a placeholder, and as talks with my ex are progressing, I guess I don’t want you feeling that way.” 

It was textbook on how to end a dating connection nicely, start with a compliment and end with a “but that doesn’t matter because I don’t like you.” Seriously, why is it that I find the world to be just one huge joke. He brought the responsibility back to me again - because of “what I said,” instead of just accepting it’s what he wants. Again no responsibility to him - it was because of “[me] feeling that way” not the fact that it is his decision because of his feelings as well.

He continued, “I’m not so sure it’s a good idea if we should go out again. I really like you and enjoy your company and so maybe it’s easier to cut things now, before maybe we grow to like each other even more?” 

I truly don’t understand why the last part was a question. Is he asking me if I agree to end things now? Do I think we will grow to like each other even more? Does he want to be the victim and for me to provide reassurance that he’s doing the right thing so that once again he can let go of any responsibility in the situation.

I didn’t wait to respond. Mostly because it was exactly what I had planned and waited for. Also, because there needed to be no discussion about it. See… I never had a say in this situation. Even if he’s phrasing things as a question, it doesn’t matter what I say because his mind has been decided. In fact, what would most likely happen is that anything I could say in the opposite direction of his suggestion would just give him reason to confirm that he did the right thing. We had nothing, with his ex he had history and a life, with me it was just a person standing in the way of returning to his life. My life on the other hand, would just go back to what it was - empty - because my life had no impact on his. There is no world where there was anything I could possibly say that would make me matter in this man’s life. And that was just my reality. 

“Ok. I thought that’s where it was heading since I didn’t hear from you. No worries. 

Good luck. To be honest, I hadn’t been feeling like a placeholder, just wanted to make sure you didn’t make me a placeholder. I was really looking forward to seeing you this week. So, I'm just sad about that. But I appreciate the honesty and hope everything goes well. You were a very nice person.”

I didn’t lie about any of that. I wish him all the best, I hope things work out with his ex. I do think he was a very nice person because honestly he did more than many other men I have had to deal with. He communicated a situation and provided updates and technically listened to what I said and ended things when needed. So I appreciated that.

… 

Silence.

You would think that based on the personality he seemed to have he would have replied to that. Just as one human to another. But why would he? He got everything he wanted. He had his cake and ate it too. Would have definitely gone further if I hadn’t spoken up. 

People never cease to astound me.

…