Loneliness in a crowd - Part II

I decided to take myself on a date today. 

It feels like a difficult thing sometimes. What is keeping you from just staying at home? The world cannot only be enjoyed while holding onto the hand of another. My friend recently told me to take myself out. Take myself on a date. Give myself presents. And I realized that I haven’t been doing that enough. I haven’t truly been taking care of myself because I have been so busy trying to find someone to take care of each other. While that would be a beautiful opportunity to have, you cannot neglect yourself when you don’t have it, or even when you do.

Take care of every aspect of yourself as you would when trying to impress another person. Impress yourself. I chose an outfit I have been wanting to wear and did my hair as I like. I got on the express bus with no destination. I figured I would see what appealed to me.

I did not avoid my desires, however. I checked on the availability of someone I am interested in to join me later in the day. Therefore allowing time for myself and possibly spending time with them later. While they were not available, that didn’t take away from my enjoyment of the day. But I was brave enough to reach out - as you already know from previous posts, it makes me extremely nervous to ask someone I am attracted to for their time. Hopefully another day they might reach out and ask me for my time, which if available, I would love to spend with them.

The streets were not packed, traffic on the highway was light, and the ride was smooth. As the bus approached stops on Fifth Avenue along Central Park, I needed to decide where to commence. 

I could get lost in the paintings at the Met, or read while sitting on the benches along the American Wing or the Temple of Dendur. I could go walk amongst the birds at the Central Park Zoo, or try to spot the leopard that is often shy and hiding. I could sit in the renowned research room of the New York Public Library and find inspiration. Another day I decided.

Instead I wanted something I enjoy on a weekend, brunch. The bus would stop in Koreatown in front of one of my favorite tea houses. I rarely sit alone at a restaurant and have a meal, but why is that? The hostess recognized me from my previous visits and asked “how many today?” I wasn’t to say “actually, it’s just one today.” She smiled and took me to a great seat on the second floor that overlooked the entirety of the floor below. I couldn’t have asked for a better view. I ordered my favorite brunch dish and a pot of rose milk tea, with oat milk. For the next 90 minutes, I took my time enjoying my food and pot of tea while reading a couple of chapters of my current book selection. 

It was relaxing and peaceful.

After brunch, I visited the library buildings and just walked around for a while. Taking my time viewing items in the library store. Tote bags, children’s books, jewelry, and beautiful trinkets that I would love to buy. But I controlled my urges.

I would end my day in the city sitting at my favorite coffee shop and writing this blog post, enjoying a cup of their honey lavender latte with oat milk. I will spend the rest of my afternoon here until close. I will write a poem, another section to one of my short stories, and take ridiculous pictures of the latte art that I used to make fun of before but now I can’t get enough of. 

I’m glad I took myself out today. I went out and enjoyed some of my favorite things - brunch in Koreatown, viewing the beautiful creations of the library, and my favorite coffee by the United Nations. 

At every place, I was alone, amongst the crowds. The restaurant was filled with groups of two or more, except for me. I had some quiet time and read. The library store was filled with tourists selecting a souvenir to bring home as proof that they visited a landmark. The coffee shop was where I felt most in my typical comfort zone, with all the other single individuals spending time with themselves.

Today the coffee shop features a tiny 4-year-old who seems to love running through the tables amongst the garden in which it is nested. A couple sits across from me, working individually but exchanging glances, sharing desserts, enjoying small moments of light touches - the beautiful art of the romantic foreplay. And I would be remiss to not mention the small bird that found its way in through the open doors and confused it for the outside due to the plants. Now he flies among us, another individual, enjoying the peacefulness of the coffee shop nested in the garden.

Today, I took myself on a date, and showed myself some appreciation. I didn’t spend time looking at the clock or trying to rush somewhere. I was able to lose myself in the bustle of the city and go unnoticed.

This time, I was alone in a crowd, but I was not lonely.

Talk to you another day, friends.