Who am I (today)?

I am writing this post because I realize that I have been posting for a few months but I have not properly introduced myself.

So, who am I?

This will probably be a multi-part post at some point, because who I am today is not who I was yesterday or who I will be tomorrow. The version of the person I was yesterday is someone I am still getting to know, and who I am today is simply an in-progress version of who I hope I will be tomorrow. The truth is that no one ever really fully knows themselves.

I am a writer at heart, always have been, always will be. At a young age I learned to hide my feelings - for various reasons that I won’t get into, maybe you can read about it in my book one day. I also had a very difficult time deciphering my own feelings and what they meant. The way I was able to do this was through my writing. 

Once I put it on paper, my thoughts just came pouring out and my feelings with it. I was able to learn if I liked someone or not, if I was sad about something with my family, the level of anger I felt, among other things. It was my outlet - instead of crying or punching something, I would write.

I made writing a part of my academic life. I joined the school newspaper when I was 8 or 9 in elementary school. In middle school, I began writing poetry very often. By the time I reached high school, I knew this was something I wanted to pursue. I entered my poetry in school contests and joined the newspaper committee. By senior year, I became co-editor-in-chief and I really excelled in my prospective journalism career. 

I had other interests, however, when it came to the area of psychology and criminal justice. I also realized that I loved writing too much and needed it in my life, but if I made it my career then I would most likely cease to do it as a hobby. So I decided to focus on the field of criminal justice and aimed to become a writer on the side. But, as Allen Saunders once said (and John Lennon agreed), life happens while we are busy making other plans.

At an early age, I also realized I was pretty good at reading people. Observing humanity. I was interested in understanding what drove people to do the things that they do, primarily when it comes to the actions humans take towards one another. Additionally, I enjoy learning about the inexplicable things in life. I overanalyze. Everything. I truly believe there is a purpose to everything that happens and that it is all ultimately connected. So I studied psychology.

I think I secretly studied psychology in an attempt to understand myself.

I have written throughout the years but have never taken the time to truly give it a chance and take it seriously.

I have also always been a bit of a loner. Partly because I have always hidden the sadness and discontent I feel in life. I have friends, a select few, but most often only connect virtually. In general, I was always focused on my career. Having a personal life came second. The way we always tell ourselves that we’ll get to something later, but we never do until it’s too late and we have simply reached a time where we either have to do something or give up on it.

Two years ago I decided to give things a try. I met someone. Had a pleasant enough relationship. A serious relationship, at that point. But the exit left a lot to be desired. There was no decency, just waited until I was at my lowest to push me even further. He didn’t just break my heart, he stomped on it until the pieces were too small to put back together. I have yet to find them all. It was the first time I had allowed myself to trust someone. I invested a significant amount of time. To say I felt used and tricked would be a massive understatement.

Last year, I broke, to put it simply. I had two choices - give up or fight like hell. What I wanted, and quite often still want really, is to give up, but what I did was fight like hell. It’s what I keep doing actually.

I decided that I want to give my writing a chance. So, I created Petrichor Haven. I want to share my thoughts with the world - or at least with the handful of people that stumble onto this website. I want to feel like I gave it my all and see what happens. 

I want to share my thoughts and ideas, but also my life learnings. People don’t really speak much about depression and anxiety. We tell people when to reach out, find support, ask for help. But no one tells people all the ways depression shows up and how to notice the daily signs in yourself and loved ones, and how to try to manage it. 

I am in no way an expert, but maybe sharing my own journey and experiences might help others to fight like hell.

I want to help improve the way people treat each other, how they communicate, and encourage them to take the time to interpret the world around them. Explore the “why” in their decisions. Enhance the way they understand the world. Question the truths society tells them to believe.

So, who am I (today)?

Today, I am just another human who is lost in the world. There is nothing but pain in everything we try to do or maybe there was a time in our lives when that was true. But we still try because we have hope. 

So, today, I am just another human who has hope. People hurt us over and over again. But we give them second and third chances because we like to believe that they can change. 

So, today, I am just another human that is trying to change and hope that others can also. We try to change into the people others want us to be, to satisfy what they think is the acceptable version of us that is good enough to be a part of their lives. But we don’t change for ourselves because we don’t see our own faults long enough to find the version of ourselves that is right for us.

So, today, I am just another human learning who I am. We tend to see ourselves through the eyes of others, the ways in which they interpret our behaviors and the impact we have on the lives of others. But we are not just one of our actions, we are complex.

So, today, I am just another human trying to own my decisions, my mistakes, my accomplishments. 

Today, I am just me. Hopefully a bit wiser than I was yesterday. Preparing for the mistakes I will make tomorrow.

Today, I fought like hell again. I will take things day by day.

Today, I am strong.