Losing what feels like a “real” connection - Part II
I shared about what I have learned through dating in the first part of this post, you can read that here if you haven’t.
So, now you are in a relationship.
Let me share some things I have learned.
Know when you want to move things forward with someone. Decide if you want to be exclusive, this would apply for a monogamous relationship. If in an open relationship, take the time to discuss what that means for you and what your relationship with each person will look like.
Get to know each other through different situations. Whether that is through different activities that you do together, arguments and difficult situations, or happy moments. You want to know the good and the bad before you decide to focus on someone.
Do not shy away from arguments, but be respectful to each other. Remember that there should never be any violence - if there is, that is not a relationship for you, please leave the relationship and if you are having difficulties leaving a violent partner, please ask for help. Healthy arguments, however, are new opportunities to get to know more about each other. Take the time to debrief and connect after an argument. You want to learn why you each responded the way that you did, establish boundaries, discuss goals for moving forward, and take the time to apologize to each other and share something you appreciate about each other.
Learn about yourself. You might know certain things about yourself when it comes to dating, but each relationship is unique. Take time to understand who you are with this person, consider any changes to your behavior, your actions, how you are processing decisions, the reasons you are doing the things you choose to do with this person, among other things, and decide if it’s the person you want to be or not.
Make time to check in during a relationship. You want to discuss and do some of the following, among other things:
How things have been going
Identify things you might want to improve on
Highlight the things that are going well
Ask each other questions
Play games to get to know each other
Set goals or things you want to do before the next check in
What makes something feel like a “real” connection?
It depends for everyone. Sometimes it’s instant chemistry. Sometimes people grow on you. Sometimes you meet someone and they are everything you never thought you needed. Sometimes it’s realizing that all the little things you do for your friend really mean something more.
Personally, I am not sure what a “real” connection might be. Is it only “real” if both people feel that same attraction toward each other? It might feel right to you, a perfect fit, but the other person feels nothing. Is it only “real” if there is an unstoppable animalistic feeling of lust? Is it only “real” if you say it aloud?
A relationship needs to be a two-way street, if not, it will crumble. If both people are interested in building their futures together and are willing to work at it, that’s all you need. However, when one person is not willing to work at it then it is time for the other to decide what is best for themselves. You want a partner in life, not a leader or a follower, not someone who makes zero effort, not someone who is scared of their own shadow.
A few friends have explained to me their strategies for showing their partnership, and these have truly enhanced the way I am approaching relationships. One of the most recent was to be the partner you wish you had and the partner you want to be. Don’t act differently to impress the other person - think of them already as a partner and base your approach on how you would aim to behave and support them once they officially are. This does not mean to do something disproportionate to your level of knowing them, simply to how you interact and communicate. For example, if they make a mistake and you wish to give them a second chance, discuss the situation productively instead of expressing feelings in anger and patronizing them.
In my opinion, a “real” connection is not the same as the connection you sometimes feel - the chemistry, the sparks, the butterflies - how wonderful all those feelings are described! Those feelings are simply infatuation. You must wait for that to pass to truly know how you feel.
During my last relationship, it never felt like a real connection. It felt like something that if you worked enough at it could work. It wasn’t settling, but it was more about the fact that there was a connection with a person who I cared about enough to try my best. I wouldn’t say I ever truly loved them. It took me many months to even use those words and even then I realized it was because I cared about them as a person, but I would not say I was in love with them.
…
In this post, I want to also discuss ghosting because it is so prevalent in today’s dating culture.
The act of ghosting.
Ghosting is when you completely disappear from someone’s life.
In today’s dating culture there are a lot of actions that have become something everyone knows happens, such as being rude if someone tells you their boundaries, sending unsolicited pictures, and ghosting, to name a few.
These things of course have always happened, but now it is something that people either just know they will do or will be done to them.
Why it is disrespectful.
Ghosting is disrespectful to the person being ghosted because it shows a lack of appreciation of their time and a disregard for their side of the connection. There is a lack of consideration and decency.
We are all human and should respect each other. The quote that says you should treat others as you would like to be treated is there for a reason, because it is true.
How it affects the person being ghosted.
Think of an experience when you took the time to get to know someone and to tell them about yourself. You were excited to meet this new person, you prepared yourself to meet them, you may have even made plans - and then just like that the person disappears.
It is like mourning. Yes, there are different experiences and feelings based on the person, the frequency, intensity, and depth of contact, and the length of time you have been interacting. As you are more and more invested, you mourn the loss. Sometimes it is not the loss of the person exactly, but the loss of the time and effort that went into developing that connection. You lose the feeling of excitement and anticipation for something to come into your life that you are searching for and will enjoy.
The reason I wanted to focus on ghosting is because of the effects that this can have on a person with depression and anxiety. Human interaction is difficult as it is, but dating is most often about connecting emotionally with someone. I want to share my individual experiences regarding the impact ghosting has had on my wellbeing.
Putting myself out there with people is difficult for me, in general. I have this habit of never feeling that I can be part of someone else’s life and that making time for me is special because they have chosen to. This is simply an effect of depression. In my mind, no one wants me in their lives because I feel like I am a burden. Logically I know this isn’t true, but it doesn’t change the feeling. Therefore, the revolving door of people entering and exiting my life creates chaos as I build connections and lose them. When being ghosted, it’s even worse, because it happens without warning and without any identifiable reason. I still need to learn how to be okay with letting others enter my life and leave without explanation.
Anxiety levels rise with expected or planned activities. I get anxious just thinking about an upcoming plan. I always feel that they will change their minds and come to their senses. When I don’t hear from them I feel desolate. I get these gut wrenching feelings when someone is going to cancel or disappear and I haven’t been wrong yet. The anxiety levels build as I get closer to the expected rejection and it just turns into this deep anticipation, an impending doom. All I want to do is disappear. Like they will disappear.
Rumination and interactions with people. I get very nervous when meeting new people because I question everything. Will they like me? In what ways will they judge me? Will they be rude when I meet them? Will I not know how to answer something they ask? Will I be good enough? A million questions rush through my mind every second. After I interact with a person, I have a million new questions to think about. Everything they say is something I think about. In what way did they mean it? Why did they say it? After someone ghosts, it’s even worse. What did I do wrong? Why did they not want me? Why did they do this to me? Why does the universe hate me? What am I even doing?
Feelings of abandonment. Depending on the length and depth of the interaction, I feel abandoned. In my last relationship, my partner would ignore me instead of discussing feelings. No matter how much I communicated the effects this had on my wellbeing, it continued to happen and it was done intentionally. When it comes to ghosting, the lack of closure aggravates feelings of abandonment.
Exacerbate existing symptoms. I already have low-self esteem and difficulty accepting other people into my life. Ghosting leads to worse feelings, feeling lower self-esteem, isolating more, and asking friends for advice more often, among many other things.
I have worked on various strategies for self-care, because the effects of dating and ghosting can be taxing on my emotional state. I want to share those with you.
Mantras. Develop mantras for the insecurities dating and ghosting cause you. When you need to, repeat these mantras to yourself, as much as needed. Try to remember who you are, what you are worth to yourself, and the truth that you are a wonderful person and that was just not the right partner for you.
Spending time alone. Reconnect with yourself. A friend once told me to “date yourself.” I wondered about this for a second but it made sense. Why is it that we always want to do things with others? I can tell you that sometimes I do activities I enjoy on my own and I think to myself how much happier I would feel if I was with a significant other. There is nothing wrong with that desire. However, we should learn how to be equally happy with doing that activity on your own. If you have a partner, you should still be able to enjoy time alone and together. I have been working on spending time with myself and enjoying the things I want to do.
Connecting with friends. You need an equal balance of being on your own and being in prosocial environments. I have a big tendency to isolate myself when I am feeling down. I have learned that you have to let your body do what it needs to do. But you also need to try not to lose touch with the world. Try your best to socialize when you can. Don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to do, however try to do the things your brain tells you you wish you would do.
Why sometimes it is OK to ghost.
Sometimes it is acceptable to ghost - if a person is dangerous, not respecting your boundaries, or simply doing something that your gut tells you is a red flag.
This is not you ghosting, this is simply removing yourself from a situation that you do not need to be dealing with. As my wise friend also said, “you do not owe this person anything.” They are strangers and you don’t need to put yourself in peril.
What are alternatives to ghosting?
Simple, but naming here for those who don’t know.
Just be an adult and tell the person how you feel.
Don’t make plans that you don’t want to make or know you don’t intend to keep.
If you were never intending to go through with connecting, refrain from reaching out in the first place and wasting someone’s time (and your own).
