Losing what feels like a “real” connection - Part I
Dating is hard.
We could stop at that three word sentence and we have summarized the experiences of the vast majority of people who date.
Dating is a process. In our current age, dating happens virtually. Apps upon apps upon apps. There’s an app for people who just want to hook up, one for people who want to wait until marriage, one for almost any religious group, one for people with unique interests, one for women who want to feel more confident and make the first move, an app to encourage people to focus, an app for only rich people, there is an app for everything.
In my dating experience, through either mistakes or enjoyable experiences, there are five steps in the process that I have identified for myself as helpful guidance.
Step One - Identify what you want and which app provides that
The first part is just figuring out what you want and which app is right for you. But here’s the thing, many people just make multiple accounts with a different description for each app. There’s always one in which they feel most comfortable. That is the app you want.
The best comedic happenstance is when you are both on multiple apps and you connect across platforms and get to learn all the things you each lied about on the other apps.
So, how did I identify what I want? By asking myself questions, such as:
What kind of dating am I interested in? Long-term dating (to find a life partner), short-term dating (so no commitment but a side thing), casual dating (there is no commitment), open relationship or ethically non-monogamous (you date multiple people at the same or distinct level of commitment), hookups (a one time thing), and there are probably others
What do I ultimately want from this relationship that I am seeking now?
What am I looking for in a partner? What am I not looking for in a partner?
What are my boundaries, i.e., soft boundaries vs specific deal breakers?
What did I learn from previous relationships and dating experiences that I can apply here?
Step Two - Engage people on the app
The second part is engaging people that you match with. This step, in my experience, seems to be really tough for people. You match and then no one talks to each other. If someone does talk, sometimes there is a short back and forth conversation but at some point that falls through too. But no one tells the other really because you need to keep a list of backups.
Everyone is a backup, just until you find someone you actually want to meet.
You have to consider what you want from engaging with people and try your best to communicate that.
Do you prefer for people to talk to you first? Put that on your profile but don’t limit yourself to just that.
Do you want to make the first move? Develop a few questions, fun or serious, that you want to ask people.
Do you have specific things that you don’t like from people that you engage with? Communicate those boundaries and if not respected, then it’s not the right match.
Set rules for yourself for disconnecting/unmatching from someone and identify when you would give someone a second chance and why.
What do you want to gain from the engagement?
Step Three - Making plans
That brings us to part three, making plans to meet people.
My favorites are the people that say they move fast or don’t want to waste their time or anyone else’s time, which makes them seem serious about dating, but then they just drag on for weeks and never actually meet.
There are the ones that say they want to meet and never make plans.
Then there are the people who appear to make a move and say they want to meet. Some go as far as seemingly making plans, asking when you are free, and when you provide a list of dates, they read the message and never respond, or they bail, either by disappearing or canceling and never following up.
You must identify how to interact with the people who bail, but most importantly you have to figure out how to deal with those situations within yourself.
Set a time for how long you will spend on the apps.
Don’t respond too quickly to each message.
What are some measures you can implement to try to identify these actors ahead of time and when are you comfortable disengaging?
How can you not feel like a failure every time someone does something negative towards you, like bailing or ghosting.
What are some techniques for self-care that you can implement when this happens?
Let’s focus on the very few that do go through with making plans.
Step Four - Meeting people
The fourth part is meeting people. The first date should start casually, this is because you want to be able to end it without feeling awkward - so a coffee, a walk in the park, a drink. If that works then you can either set up a second date for a dinner or a longer activity.
Consider having time available on the first date, if you are interested then you can transition into that dinner. And have fun.
I know people say not to discuss serious topics like religion, politics, strong opinions and interests, but I say why not? In my experience, the most satisfying connections I have had are those where we were honest from the beginning. Get everything out in the open, why do you want to wait to know the most important things about a person only to figure out months later that you actually don’t like something about them.
But also, you do you. Approach the date at the level at which you are most comfortable.
Identify safety measures for meeting people, i.e., public places, when to get in a car with someone, when to go to someone’s home, letting friends know where you are.
Identify the questions you want to ask people during in-person connections.
Propose things that you enjoy doing and do not agree to anything that would make you uncomfortable or give you stress.
Make an effort whether in planning the date, contact with the other person, or identifying your outfit - but allow space to see effort from them as well.
Identify strategies to get out of a date if needed.
Step Five - You are dating someone(s)
Now we get to step five, you are actually dating, not just texting. Here are some of the things I have learned and am still learning, many are advice from friends. These I am still working on every time I interact with someone.
You should make it a point to meet multiple people, don’t limit yourself. Even if you like one person, don’t get overly excited or focus on them alone - remember, they are also dating other people and you should be too. You want to be able to have options and truly decide what you want. Settling on someone too early can lead to getting into relationships that don’t last and simply end up not being very good experiences.
Take your time. There is no hurry (I mean, there are time-crucial decisions, especially for women, but nothing that should lead you to make rushed decisions). Get to know someone and allow yourself to feel comfortable and work at your own speed. Enjoy the dating experience.
Trust your gut. If you don’t get a good vibe, listen to that feeling. If you do, listen to it too. That can be about the person, places, or situations. Trust your intuition.
Learn about the stages of a relationship! This can help you feel more confident and understand the process to help you navigate the dating experience.
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