Loneliness in a crowd - Part I

The constant chatter within the crowd is relaxing. I look up from my keyboard and tablet at the people passing through. Families, friends, class field trips, dates, all finding time to do something together. It doesn’t matter what they are doing, because they don’t need to do it alone. They have each other.

I sit on a bench at the Museum of Natural History working on my potential book - if I ever finish it. Listening to parts of conversations close enough to hear. People-watching. Staring at what I wish I could have. Someone. Anyone. As long as they want to be with me too, of course.

Being lonely is not always what people think. It’s not all about having a partner in life, or the lack of a social life, or even the loss of loved ones. Sometimes, it’s just about being chosen. Being a priority to someone who wants you to be a part of their life as much as they want to be a part of yours.

Imagine always feeling just a bit less than good enough. The constant disappointment and need to excel is too great. You think, if I can just get the best scores in school, maybe I will be able to compare to the sibling my parent prefers. But no matter how well you do, a ninety-nine will never be a one-hundred or the path taken to achieve it was not as great as that of another. You think, I will be the most supportive, patient, and understanding girlfriend that I can be, maybe this person will want to have me for the rest of their life. But no matter how much you accept their flaws, they never see your true worth. You think, the more I work and sweat for my career, maybe I will be noticed, promoted, granted amazing opportunities. But no matter how good you have proven to be, you make one mistake or have a setback and it’s like you will never be able to get back to the level of respect you had gained.

The emotional emptiness that the lack of being chosen creates, through years of hopelessness, leads to a state of lonesomeness. One that will take a lot to dissipate. You end up finding ways to cope - stop trying to be good enough for your parents, stop trying to be extra successful in your career, stop trying to think that one failed relationship means you will never find a true partner.

Stop trying to be who you think someone else wants you to be in order for them to accept you and tell you you’re good enough. Only you need to accept you, to know you are worth everything you want in life, and be who you are.

There’s a certain level of satisfaction that comes from watching the lives of others. Watching the things you wish you had yourself. Daydreaming about what your future partner and family might look like. Learning about what you want and what you don’t.

I sit alone, observing life. Enjoying the loneliness of being in a crowd.

I spend the majority of my time alone. Not necessarily always by choice. Not always unhappily either. Simply alone.

I am that person that sits at a cafe for a couple of hours to write and enjoy the solitude amongst a group of strangers that are doing the exact same thing. There’s a sort of joy that comes from seeing people in the same situation as you because you feel as if you’re not alone. Today, however, I wanted to enjoy the natural light that shines through the windows of the museum’s new wing. 

I enjoy the anonymity of being alone in a crowd.

Strangers walk past, some acknowledge you are there but most ignore. They look and wonder what you’re doing. 

I wonder what stories others have created about me.

I wonder about the people whose lives I have impacted without knowing.

I wonder about the people who are attracted to me and have never told me.

I wonder how others see me. In the eyes of others, my life might even seem better than how I feel it is.

But that is the truth for everyone. Every person encounters hardship. Every person has secrets. Every person has individual feelings that no one will ever know what it feels like to them, because each person is unique.

I wonder about my thoughts. There are so many things in life that to me are common sense, such as being kind to others, wanting peace, wanting equal rights for everyone, wanting to be a positive contribution for your community, respecting everyone and letting each person live their life to the fullest.

So many things… common sense… yet some of the biggest points of disagreement in the world. Amongst humanity.

Humanity.

Humanity is an interesting species. I am within it but always observing.

When you are surrounded by questionable ideas, how can you not feel lonely in a crowd of thoughts that you know will not move us forward as humans.

My state of lonesomeness is not just physical, it’s emotional, it’s mental.

Somehow, that doesn’t change who I am. I rather have my ideas, my principles, my morals, my desire for humanity to improve and respect one another. I rather know myself than conform to any social constructs that humanity simply accepts.

I rather be lonely in a crowd. 

Hoping that one day people will be kinder to each other. 

Hoping that one day positive ideas will be heard, understood, and accepted. 

Hoping that one day someone like me, observing the crowd, finds me - chooses me. 

Then we can be alone, together.