Missing a Constant

There comes a time after a relationship has ended when you realize just how much space a person took up in your life. 

Daily contact. 

A romantic partner is a different daily contact than a friend or a family member, there is a certain level of intimacy that might be shared that you don’t have with someone else.

When you get a text first thing in the morning and it brightens up your entire day. A text in the evening that you have been waiting for the entire day and makes anything wrong from the day disappear. 

Outings together. 

The little get-togethers you plan when you date someone - a trip to the museum, a concert, a picnic, beach day, even just a walk for ice cream.

There’s the joy of having someone to go away with for a weekend trip out of the city or a week of camping.

Traveling alone is a fulfilling activity, but there is something to be said for the moments you spend away with a romantic partner. Your known world disappears. You can disconnect and just focus on what matters, being together.

Emotional support. 

Personally, it takes me a while to open up to someone. With a romantic partner, I want to have the ability to escape from any challenges in my daily life. Most importantly, I want to be able to hold onto that happy space for as long as possible. 

The minute you share something personal then it becomes something your partner asks about. It becomes something this person now knows about you.

But when you do share something personal, it is nice knowing your partner cares to listen to you, to ask about you, and to support you when you need.

Time spent thinking about them. 

When you are not speaking to your romantic partner, often they are on your mind. You think about them because you like them. You think about them because it’s their birthday. You think about them because you just saw them or because you are going to see them. You think about them for a million reasons.

This time is immeasurable.

Sheer human company. 

Humans are not a solitary species.

Solitude can be a gift, however.

What works best is a mixture of the two. Having a romantic partner can help you to not feel alone. There is a beauty in also sitting in silence together doing your own things. 

Going from having someone to not having anything from one day to the next is devastating. When a person has left your life permanently, you are in mourning. You are missing a constant.

It’s alright to break down and cry it all out. 

Then, however, you get back up and remember why it’s better to be alone than with someone who wasn’t strong enough to be with you. 

It is very difficult to accept that someone abandoned you. The sadness shows up in the smallest ways - seeing a couple walking down the street holding hands, visiting the favorite secret museum section you shared, or the simple fact that you will never hear that stupid ringtone again.

It’s funny how you take the time to do all these little things for the people you think you love. You print out a copy of their picture so that you can put it on a frame on your desk. Especially when it’s a new romance because they are on your mind all day. All day. You want your friends to ask so that you have a chance to talk about them. You take the time to develop personalized Pokémon cards of them as characters because you know how into it they are. You spend time trying to help them job search and learn about what they need to kick off their business. 

You take so much time. 

But then you have to wonder, did they ever take time for me?

It is not a competition and you shouldn’t do things for the other person because you expect the same in return. However, you do need to ask yourself if they ever met your expectations. Maybe they got their artist friend to make you a butterfly painting because you love art and butterflies, maybe they got you a cute panda sticker because they know how much you love pandas. Maybe that’s all they ever did - they didn’t plan anything for your birthday, maybe they skipped all the major commercial holidays always saying they would do things later, maybe they would never make an effort to go see you, or maybe they would feel like it was actually a burden to contact you on a daily basis.

Maybe what you miss is just the person you are when you have someone to love and to show your love to. That is the constant that you miss. You don’t miss the person who constantly disappointed you and let you know you were not a priority in their lives.

What you miss is the person you can be if you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to share love with someone. 

It is okay not to miss the person who did not meet your needs and left you.

It is necessary to find a way to be yourself and fulfill your needs when you are single. 

One day, just know that someone will come along who will express their love for you - they will make plans to spend time with you, they will prepare tiny surprises on your birthday, they will take a train ride from Brooklyn to The Bronx just to kiss you and hold your hand.

One day, you won’t need to miss what you had because what you will have is something much better, a loving constant.